Monday, April 23, 2012

In the moment

Happy Buddha Maxx von Diesel.
     I came across some amusing files in my office the other day. Some years ago, a woman I knew remotely via email got so mad at me in her final email send-off that she sent me, not one name-calling email, but five over the span of two days including the ending declaration that “maybe you should build that yoga platform on your farm and chill out!” Or words to that effect. I still have the email exchange. The irony of her vitriolic advice still makes me laugh. I can’t help but be amazed at how utterly oblivious to our own behavior we can be.
     Current work developments include a bisque firing and an upcoming glaze firing. I also dropped off a good chunk of my inventory at a local gallery shop in Midway, Ky. If you’ve ever been to the Bluegrass area, Midway is located in Woodford County, near Fayette County (where Lexington is located). Woodford is what I would consider to be the definitive “horse country” county as far as Thoroughbred racing in concerned. Maybe not in actual numbers but just the flavor of it, the rolling hills, the barns, the board fencing, the countryside. It has distilleries, famous horse farms, art festivals, vineyards and in the center is the terminally cute town of Midway, home to Midway College and home to Main Street. If you come visit the Bluegrass, make sure you pencil in some time to visit Midway. And, oh, some of my functional work is in this awesome shop run by Mary and Eric Thorseon, Damselfy Gallery and Studio. Fabulous people, fabulous shop.
     My current sculptural work still tends to refer back to sexual textures, gestures, suggestive shapes and so on. It's because I'm in the middle of menopause, I think, that I consistently come back to sexuality, whether I mean to or not. It's the hormones. They've taken over. As my good, older, friend warned me, it's gotten worse. The amount of fatigue I've been feeling and the utter empty chaos in my brain in the last two weeks is remarkable. Remaaaaarkable. Little Rascals remaaaaarkable. Really. I went out tonight to blanket my irises (yes, another possible freeze tonight) and in the midst of it, I felt that warm, creeping flush. Not from any exertion because I wasn't really doing anything physical. Sure enough, when I looked in the mirror after coming back into the house, my face was flushed, my neck was flushed, my arms were flushed, even the backs of my hands. 
Beach Blanket Bingo on the lawn.
     My hot flashes these days are no longer just about the sweating and redness of my skin, my whole mood is a hot flash. I find myself exploding in anger at nothing, nothing at all. A dropped spoon. Not being able to get my shoe on my foot. The butter not spreading on my bread. And so on. So far, my Vesuvius-like moments are contained at home, in private, with only my cats, dogs and horses to hear it. Since they are not of my species, they ignore me completely. At times, I get so suddenly enraged, it's as if I'm having this out-of-body experience. Mid-way through my solitary tirade, part of my detached, observer-self is wonders, "Good god! What's her problem?" It's usually over in an instant and then I'm laughing at myself and grateful no one was there to witness the outburst. What bizarreness! I was remarking to my friend, Buddy, the other day when we were making plaster molds that I worry about the outbursts becoming so common that I forget to keep them private. That would be bad.
My brain function recently.
     On top of this, my brain has become rather ping-pong-y. I have trouble remembering simple words, my train of thought – in mid-sentence – and staying focussed. I would like to say that it's because my mind is racing with ideas but really... nope, nothing. Not really anything going on. I meditate but I fidget and am restless. I try to observe my restlessness but I end up getting irritated. I've become tremendously self-critical. This seems to be happening more regularly recently. My husband calls these days my Super-Psycho Days. Lovely man, putting up with this shit. My brain is like random bits of hail dropping everywhere. No pattern, no purpose, mucking up the lawn, and then it goes away like it never happened.
Hot Flash Teacup
     Here is my view of an erupting hot flash in a teacup form. Enjoy your day.

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